Attack of the Magikarp
by the butt-loving cynic
Summary: A Trainer dedicated to proving that her Magikarp Army can beat all challenges Ash Ketchum to a battle of life and death. CRACK FIC. DUH. Written due to extreme boredom and to get rid of writer's block.


**WARNING: Extreme crackness, randomness, and parody character death ahead. This is what happens when I am deathly bored and starting a new game on my Pokemon SoulSilver game, and I get a crazy idea. This Bridget is NOT me. She just shares my first name. I'm not this insane…I hope. Please enjoy this fanfic and don't shoot me for desecrating the good (?) name of the Pokemon Magikarp. Also, I think it's very racist that they don't have "Magikarp" as a character option here on Fanfiction. MAGIKARP DESERVE LOVE TOO.  
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Attack of the Magikarp

It had taken her a year to do it. She had been laughed at, ridiculed, make fun of…no Trainer ever bothered to challenge her because they knew her from the awful TV broadcasts about her "project". When she went from town to town and challenged the Gym Leaders for a badge, even THEY turned her down, simply laughing in her face and slamming the Gym doors behind her as they pushed her out.

But now Bridget's project was complete.

All the planning it had taken, all the money that had been thrown away, all the mockery and scorn she had gone through…it would be well worth the outcome of her project.

And what was this Trainer's project, you may ask?

Why, it was none other creating an army of Magikarp.

Yes, Magikarp might have been considered the Pokemon world's weakest Pokemon, but Bridget had trained them to be top-notch warriors. Bridget wanted to prove to the world that Magikarp was an amazing Pokemon, probably the best there ever was. Screw the legendary Pokemon. Magikarp were the TRUE gods and goddesses of the Pokemon realm.

Bridget was pacing around in her "laboratory" (it was actually just an old shed on the side of the Lake of Rage in the Johto region-Bridget had kept her Magikarp in the lake so it would seem normal) wondering how she was going to execute this in the best way possible. "Who should I release my babies on?" Bridget wondered out loud, tapping her foot in agitation. "Not any normal Pokemon Trainer would do; regular people just wouldn't understand my aesthetics. The Gym Leaders are too stuffy…the Elite Four won't even hear me out! I guess I have no choice: my experiment is going to be on that boy named Ash Ketchum. Because, of course, he's really 'special' according to everyone."

Bridget smiled happily and skipped outside in the perpetual rain that was always coming down hard on the Lake of Rage. Getting out her custom made Magikarp whistle, she faced the calm waters of the lake and blew hard on the wooden instrument. A shrill sound issued forth from the open end of the whistle, ringing out into the air. The tranquil surface of the Lake of Rage suddenly began to bubble and shift, and the ground began to shake.

And just as quickly as it began, it all stopped.

Peeking out from the pristine cerulean water was thousands-no, maybe MILLIONS-of red and yellow fish heads. Their eyes were narrowed in a manner befitting a thug's and they all looked ready to tear someone or something apart.

Bridget walked to the edge of the lake and patted the closest Magikarp to the shore. This one was her first Magikarp, the one who started it all. "Hello, Destroyer One. How's my darling today? Ready to fight one of the many disbelievers of your amazing potential?" She cooed in a maternal voice, stroking the fish Pokemon's slimy body lovingly and kissing the top of his nose.

Destroyer One nodded his fishy head. Destroyer One had cuts and bruises all over his scaly body from being in so many fights with other Magikarp. He always one, of course. He was the alpha male of Bridget's Magikarp pack. "Kaaaarp!" He cried, his voice like a trumpet call amongst the quiet area.

The other Magikarp all took up the call of war. The Lake of Rage sounded like a Greek gladiator fight for a few minutes as it erupted in loud cries of "KAAAARP!"

Bridget nodded in satisfaction and knelt down on the shoreline of the lake. "This is what we're going to do: I heard that Ash Ketchum is in Johto for a bit before he travels back to his hometown of Pallet Town in the Kanto region. Since Ash always seems to be at the center of all those important circumstances, I believe if we defeat him with the power of the Magikarp Army, people will finally take us seriously. No more ridiculing! No more walking the streets and being laughed at! No more Pokemon looking at you with pity in their eyes as they watch you flop you around in the mud! This is Sparta-I mean war! NOW WHO'S WITH ME?"

Another round of energetic cries of "KAAAARP!" told the Pokemon Trainer in front of the Magikarp Army that they were ready. Bridget rubbed her hands together and cackled in a tone that could only be considered as evil. "Today we make history. Make Mama proud, troops. Let's get going!"

**~In Goldenrod City~**

Ash Ketchum and his beloved partner Pikachu were walking through the bustling metropolis of Goldenrod City, making their way to the Magnet Train that would take them to Saffron City in the Kanto region. From there on they would make their way back to Pallet Town, where their adventures all began.

"Pikachu, are you excited to go home and rest for a bit before heading on our next chapter of our Pokemon journey?" Ash asked his starter Pokemon happily.

The yellow electric mouse nodded. "Pika!" He chirped, hopping onto Ash's shoulder and nuzzling the boy's cheek.

"Ahahaha! I love you too, buddy!" Ash laughed, tickling Pikachu under the chin.

The duo had almost made it to the train station when they heard people screaming in panic and fright. Ash and Pikachu halted in their steps and looked around wildly to see what was going on. Tons of people were running past the two with looks of absolute terror plastered to their faces. A little girl was crying hysterically as she rushed past Ash. The Pokemon Trainer jogged after her and tapped on her shoulder. "Excuse me, little girl. Why are you crying? What's going on?"

The little girl looked up at Ash and his Pikachu with large eyes full of tears. In a whimpering voice, she sobbed, "T-there's a m-mean girl who s-says she's going to t-take over the city…with h-her Pokemon army!" The little girl burst into frantic tears again and she ran off.

Ash and Pikachu looked at each other and nodded in agreement: they were going to find this woman and teach her what happens when you used Pokemon for violence. They ran into the crowd of people that were going the opposite way; it felt as if Ash and Pikachu were pushing against strong rapids as they made their way through the panicking crowd. When they finally managed to make it past all the anxious and petrified citizens, they were in the downtown area of Goldenrod. In front of them was the gate that led out to the route outside of the city.

And in front of the gate was a girl.

She looked a little older than him, with curly brown hair and a white bandana tied around her ponytail. She wore a blue tank top and a red skirt with black tights underneath. On her feet were scary looking Gothic boots with heavy chains around the sides. The girl smirked at Ash with a knowing glance. "Hello, Ash Ketchum," She said in a calm voice.

Ash did a double take. "How do you know my name?""Who DOESN'T know your name? You're everywhere," The girl threw her head back and giggled in an insane manner.

"Well, who are YOU?" Ash shot back.

"Pika! Pika, Pikachu" Pikachu squeaked in agreement.

The girl bowed in an exaggerated manner. "My name is Bridget. I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time, Mr. Ketchum. I have a special surprise for you today. Would you like to see it?"

"If you're planning on destroying this city with your army of Pokemon, don't even try. Me and Pikachu will stop you no matter what!" Ash yelled in heroic defiance.

Bridget simply smiled in a benevolent manner and took out a red whistle in the shape of a Magikarp. Ash and Pikachu gave each other "WTF?" looks. Just as Ash was about to make Pikachu use Thunderbolt to distract her, Bridget blew on the whistle so hard that her face turned red with the effort of it. A high shriek resonated from the instrument, making Pikachu's sensitive ears thrum with pain. Ash's partner whined and tried to cover his large ears with his little cute paws. "What is it, Pikachu?" Ash asked worriedly.

And that's when all hell broke loose.

A deep rumbling sound began to thunder throughout Goldenrod City. The earth beneath Ash's feet shook and he pitched forward, falling onto the ground and almost landing on Pikachu. Suddenly, as if they appeared by magic, dozens upon dozens of Magikarp floundered from the shadowed alleyways of Goldenrod and surrounded Ash and Pikachu in a circle. Each of the fish Pokemon looked mean and angry as if they wanted to fight.

"What the…" Ash blinked in shock. "Is this your Pokemon Army?" He asked Bridget, who was standing outside of the Magikarp circle.

She nodded. "Yes. Finally, after a year of humiliation, the world will see the glory of Magikarp! I hope you're shaking in terror, Ketchup, because this is where you go down."

Instead of shaking in terror, Ash Ketchum was shaking from laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheek. "Th-this is your…ARMY?" Ash guffawed, rolling around on the ground, holding his stomach and wiping tears from his eyes. "It's of MAGIKARP! The most useless and pathetic Pokemon in the world!" Pikachu was just watching his Trainer with confused eyes. The electric mouse could obviously sense the odd strength emanating from the Magikarp surrounding him and his Trainer.

Bridget's eyes narrowed and she scowled angrily. "Shut the hell up!" She hissed in a furious tone. Ash continued to laugh, oblivious to the pissed-off looking Magikarp that were beginning to close in on him and Pikachu. Cracking her knuckles, Bridget threw her hand out as if she were a general in a war and cried in a demented voice, "ATTACK!"

A wave of Magikarp threw themselves at Ash and Pikachu, smacking the still-laughing boy with their fins. Ash make an odd sound that sounded like "Gack!" and fell backwards as a Magikarp landed on his face, leaving a red fish-shaped imprint on his skin. Ash leapt back up and pointed at the Magikarp, "Pikachu, use Thunderbolt!"

Pikachu leapt up into the air and curled into a ball. With an exclamation of "Piiii….KAAAA!" he let lose a shockwave of electricity at the Magikarp in front of him. The Pokemon fell back, twitching as the electric current flew through their bodies. "Yeah! Great job, Pikachu!" Ash congratulated his partner.

"That was just the first wave," Bridget didn't look worried at all. "Second line, advance!"

This time a group of tougher looking Magikarp flopped forward. One by one they propelled themselves in the air and began to drop on Ash and Pikachu. The two had to hop from side to side to avoid being hit by the falling fish Pokemon. "What the hell, how are they doing this?" Ash yelled in utter bewilderment. He missed a step and was pounded right on top of the head by a fatter than usual Magikarp, which was smirking smugly. "Pikachu, Volt Tackle!" Ash commanded in an irritated tone as he threw the fat Magikarp off his head. The electric mouse Pokemon began to run at the fallen Magikarp as electricity cloaked him in a beautiful yellow sheen. "PIKA!" Pikachu yelled as he made his mark and defeated the second line of the Magikarp army by charging forward into each Pokemon with his powerful Volt Tackle attack.

"HAH! This is too easy," Ash laughed. "And you honestly thought you would beat me with just freaking MAGIKARP?"

Bridget clapped her hands together in glee. "Finally, I can show you what we're REALLY made of. Destroyer One! Destroyer Two! Destroyer Three! Kisame! Destroyer Four! Destroyer Five! Taco Petey! Destroyer Six! Destroyer Seven! Destroyer Eight! Destroyer Nine! Destroyer Ten! Jack Sparrow! Destroyer…" Bridget trailed off as she had to catch her breath. "Oh, fuck it. LAST LINE…ADVANCE!"

Ash and Pikachu both gulped as the third and last line of Bridget's Magikarp militia flopped forward. These Magikarp were some of the toughest, meanest, beefiest, scarred Magikarp the two had ever seen in their entire lives. The one that was the most muscular-and the most cut up and bruised-inched forward bit further than its fellow Magikarp. "This is my pride and joy: meet my precious baby Destroyer One!" Bridget proclaimed proudly, crossing her arms and giving Ash an arrogant and haughty smirk.

"Destroyer One?" Ash rose an eyebrow.

"Hell yes! It's a scary-ass name!"

Pikachu tugged on Ash's pant leg worriedly. "Pika? Pikachu. Pika pi!"

"Yes, I'm sure we can take care of these guys too. They're just Magikarp; a water-type against an electric-type never works well for the water-type, no matter how strong," Ash said in a breezy tone.

"We'll make damn sure you eat those words, Ketchup," Bridget glared at Ash.

"Whatever," Ash waved his hand to brush off her remark. "And stop calling me Ketchup!"

"No friggin' way. I'm enjoying myself. Ketchup, Ketchup, Ketchup, Ketchup, Ketchup, Ketchup-"

"Well then I hope you enjoy your defeat, bitch!" Ash yelled. "THUNDER, PIKACHU!"

Pikachu nodded and let loose a thunderbolt that was the most powerful yet-the air glowed and crackled with power and was blinding like a small supernova exploding for a few brief moments. Bridget and Ash both had to shield their eyes from the brightness so they wouldn't lose their eyesight. When they opened their eyes again, Bridget was sneering at Ash with a supercilious expression. Ash's mouth dropped open when he saw why-the Magikarp were still standing proudly as if they hadn't been hit by Pikachu's Thunder at all.

"What…?" Ash squeaked in a disbelieving tone. "How did they…?"

"I told you that Magikarp were strong. You just didn't believe me. Now…Destroyer One!"

The Magikarp by the name of Destroyer One flicked his eyes to his Trainer. "Karp?"

"Use…that special move." Bridget commanded excitedly.

Destroyer One nodded and began to crawl forward towards Ash and Pikachu. Ash and his partner didn't move-they were still too stunned at how Pikachu's Thunder had no effect. When Destroyer One was a mere foot away from Ash and Pikachu, he stopped and merely looked at the two of them with watery eyes. Then, opening his mouth, the Magikarp bellowed in a deep voice "I'MMA FIRIN' MAH LAZAH!" and blasted a beam of blue light at Ash's figure while simultaneously making a noise that sounded like "BLAAAAARGH."

Ash Ketchum's body became nothing but a pile of ash when the beam hit him.

"Aha! A fitting end, don't you think?" Bridget giggled in merriment. "Good job everybody! Destroyer One, I am very proud of you. Now everyone will see how majestic and grand all Magikarp are, and they will never mock your species ever again!" Bridget turned to Pikachu, who was poking at the smoking pile of ash that was once Ash Ketchum with his lightning bolt shaped tail. "Hey, Pikachu, do you want to become my Pokemon now?"Pikachu shrugged and nodded. In a deep voice that reminded Bridget of a motorcycle gang member who was also a chain smoker, he said, "Sure, what the hell. That guy was a stupid ass anyway. 'Pikachu, I'm going to become the very best! That ever was! Let's go lose at every Pokemon Championship competition we enter and hang out with annoying girls who wear short skirts!'" Pikachu imitated Ash in a mocking manner, using a high-pitched voice.

Bridget smiled happily. "I couldn't agree more. Come on; let's go challenge the Elite Four with my Magikarp Army and you in tow."

"Hah! I was thinking the exact same thing, you crazy bitch! Oh, but I have a few questions. One; can I be the lieutenant? Two; can I stay up as much as I want? And three; am I allowed to order all the room service and porno movies when we stay in hotels?"

"Yes, yes, and….I'll have to think about that last one." Bridget answered.

"Fuck yeah." Pikachu hopped onto Bridget's shoulder as the female Pokemon Trainer and her Magikarp Army began to head out of Goldenrod City. The two of them erupted into the chorus of the song "Sexy Bitch" by David Guetta for no apparent reason.

To this day, the denizens of Johto live in fear of the terrifying girl with the undefeatable Magikarp Army and her Pikachu lieutenant.

…**I have nothing else to say…other than I assure you I was NOT doing drugs when I created this. I was just bored. Review if you want, whether it's too either flame or tell me that you're a bit concerned for me. I won't be surprised either way.**


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